I Am a Pretty Pretty Princess

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April 19th, 2009

10:01 pm - My joy is to see your joy.

Taurus for the Week of Apr 20th, 2009 -- The New Moon in your sign this weekend opens the door to new romantic possibilities. The key is to please yourself first. When you're having fun it makes you even more attractive to others. As long as you're not too selfish about it, your joy becomes a magnet that could make you everyone's favorite person at the party or on the playground.

Tweets! )

Also learned that "Fantasy Bear" is hilarious when read in a "Japanese Gameshow Host" voice.

Current Location: 21740
Current Mood: [mood icon] restless

(Bitch, Please)

March 20th, 2009

09:19 am - Horror-Scopes

Astrology.com says: Someone new in your life is making you rethink quite a bit of your preconceptions -- and you think you like where you're headed! It's time for you to flip the switch and make a big change.

Jonathan Cainer says: According to the atheists, there is no God. They must be right - for, if there were, why would he allow atheists to exist? Unless, of course, God had a secret plan. Populate the world with cynics and disbelievers and we would all find their company so irritating that we would rapidly start seeking spiritual solace. It is a tenuous argument, I know. But then, so too, are many of the explanations now being advanced to support a debatable proposition in your world. Don't engage in a futile battle. Just trust what you feel.

Rob Brezsny says: Among medieval alchemists, there were some who tried to make a fortune by literally converting lead into gold. But the authentic practitioners of the art were interested in a subtler kind of experimentation: ripening and beautifying the shadowy aspects of their own psyches. That explains their motto: "For a tree's branches to reach to heaven, its roots must reach to hell." Among other things, that means you have to dig deep and work hard on redeeming your less flattering qualities in order to earn the right to exalted states of consciousness and spiritual powers. The coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to carry out this alchemy.

As usual, I say, WTF. I don't feel like I am being asked to rethink anything. I don't think I am engaging in any battles, futile or otherwise. I had a yummy dinner last night and I may never eat again, however.

Now, to my "to do" list!

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] chipper

(Bitch, Please)

March 3rd, 2009

09:26 am - Horror-Scope + Twitter

You were looking for content? )

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] blah

(2 bitches. | Bitch, Please)

February 24th, 2009

11:07 am - Horror-Scopes!

Astrology.com sez: Your friends are waiting for something from you and even if you don't know what's up you still need to perform. It's one of those days when you're at the center of your social circle.

Jonathan Cainer sez: We live in a very sensible world. It is governed by very sensible authorities, upholding very sensible rules. Hence, the credit crunch. The banking crisis. The Madoff scandal. The Stanford mystery. And all the other chaos now unfolding in the realm of the rich, influential and respectable. It has long since been no secret that if you scratch the surface of the establishment, you will find plenty of corruption beneath. Comet Lu Lin, is now exposing an awkward truth in your world. But it is also helping you face an essential fact.

Freewill Astrology sez: I know where actor Sean Penn lives. It's a few miles from where I am right now. An out-of-town friend of mine who's an aspiring screenwriter is pleading with me to drive by Sean's house and hurl a hard copy of her latest script over the high wall that affords him and his family privacy. My friend imagines that Sean will find it, read it excitedly, and call her up to begin negotiating for rights to use it in a future film. I may do what she asks. It's my policy not to discourage people's fantasies about making the connections they need, even if they're far-fetched. In that spirit, Taurus, I urge you to pursue any hunches you might have about forging alliances that could further your dreams.

Um... yeah. I got nothin. Y'all got any clues?

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] curious

(2 bitches. | Bitch, Please)

February 10th, 2009

09:15 am - Update

Tweets for Monday 9 February 2009. Read more... )

Dear Taurus, Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 10: Read more... )

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] chipper
Current Music: construction outside

(Bitch, Please)

January 26th, 2009

09:27 am - Today's horror-scope

Someone is trying to get your goat, most likely just for their own amusement -- but there may be other motives as well. Do your best to keep your cool and things should get better pretty soon.

But... I have NO goat! Hell, I don't even have cabana boys. Woe, woe is me!

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] amused

(Bitch, Please)

January 16th, 2009

09:16 am - Funnay horrorscope

Today's Taurus horoscope sez: You might be biting off more than you can chew* -- but even knowing that, you might still go for it! You just can't resist the allure of getting more than usual for little to no effort.** Wait and see.***

*Yeah, that would be unusual... NOT.
**WHAT? When will this happen?
***Tell the Gemini cusp girl to wait. Very funny, astrology.com.

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] sarcastic, me?

(Bitch, Please)

January 14th, 2009

11:06 am - Hilarity!

Taurus: It's a good time for you to take care of delicate social situations. You may need to try something a bit daring, but your natural diplomacy is perfect for getting people to see the error of their ways.

Current Location: 21740
Current Mood: [mood icon] amused
Current Music: tinnitus

(Bitch, Please)

January 9th, 2009

11:14 am - Today, Jonathan Cainer sez

Taurus for Friday, 9 January: The truth. It has never been very fashionable. People just don't want to hear it. Unfortunately, they think they do. They say they do. They revere it, they look for the truth, they even sing about it. It's just that when they actually encounter it, they don't like it. Fantasies are far more attractive and reassuring. Half-truths are popular too. When watered down and sweetened, lots more people find honesty acceptable. The big question for you, this weekend, is how close to a reality are you prepared to get? There's a Solar eclipse on due on 26th January. Be ready for this life changing astrological alignment.

Current Location: 20852

(Bitch, Please)

December 19th, 2008

01:11 pm - Washington Post, I don't get it

Taurus April 20 - May 20

For Friday, December 19 -A great bolt of positive energy is coming into your life this morning [yeah, I woke up breathing okay!], and it's going to turn your daily routine from dull and boring to something much more exciting. The patterns of your life are no longer predictable -- they are starting to come together to form a very interesting picture, full of new opportunities that you didn't think would be coming up for a long time. Are you ready to grab that big brass ring? Because you are about to have a great chance to do so today.

[If I grab too hard, I think that nice man might scream like a little girl. And that would be sad.]

(Bitch, Please)

November 24th, 2008

11:21 am - Jonathan Cainer, bite me

Taurus horoscope for Monday, 24 November

Pots love to call kettles black. Cheats love to question the integrity of honest people. Liars accuse others of twisting the truth. Not only do folk project their own faults onto others, but they also develop them in the first place through bad example. Thus, bullies are usually people who were victims of bullying; and abusers, in their past, have been abused. In life, the lines of distinction are not always as clear cut as we might wish them to be. What lesson might a current problem be trying to help you learn? Don't be harsh this week. Be wise.

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] blah

(Bitch, Please)

October 30th, 2008

03:41 pm - Rob Brezsny sez...

You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Taurus. Please read that last sentence again, drinking it in as if it were an elixir you've been longing for since you were 13 years old. Here are some corollaries: You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. There's no need to strive for a kind of perfection that's not very interesting to you. You don't have to believe in ideas that make you sad or tormented, and you don't have to feel emotions that others try to manipulate you into feeling. In short, you are free to be exactly who you want to be. Celebrate that this Halloween season. Costume yourself as the person you've been hiding.

Um... everyone knows I'm a horny hedonist...

(Bitch, Please)

October 1st, 2008

05:10 pm - Horror-Scope du jour

Jonathan Cainer sez... Our enemies are often the people who were once our friends. And even our closest companions can be perceived as our potential enemies in waiting. Certainly, if we treat them badly enough, they will be in the best position to retaliate. But the cosmic message for you now is best summed up by a quote from Oscar Wilde: 'Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.' Keep someone on side now... and you'll get more benefit from the relationship than if you allow a conflict to escalate.

I say... Okay. I really can't think of any conflicts that were in danger of escalating, at least on my side. One never knows, of course, what might be going on elsewhere. But for me, nada. Not only is it easier to get along with people, but also, fate takes care of any revenge I might have in mind. Not worth the hassle to escalate much of anything.

Rob Brezsny sez... Taurus actor Pierce Brosnan told Parade, magazine how shocking it was to get fired after playing the role of James Bond for four films. But after the initial pain he felt from being rejected, he eventually got to the point where he could say, "I'm free now. I can do anything I want." What helped him recover was conjuring up the proper attitude. "You've got to be a fighting rooster," he said. That's half of my prescription for you in the coming week, Taurus. Be a charismatic warrior as you push to further your highest ideals and brightest desires. Be a stylishly fierce liberator in charge of designing your own freedom. Be a fighting rooster with the heart of an artist.

I say... WTF?

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] curious

(Bitch, Please)

September 24th, 2008

01:43 pm - Jonathan Cainer, you're kind of a dick.

Wednesday, 24th September 2008

This is going to sound odd, coming from me... but are you sure you really want to know what the future holds? I'm not suggesting it contains anything you won't like - or won't easily cope with - but might it spoil the surprise? Or could it be that right now, you have an idea about how things need to alter based on what you currently understand. Once a few factors change, though, some very different needs will arise. They will be met... but you don't yet know what they are. Trust and don't worry today.

(Bitch, Please)

September 17th, 2008

09:47 am - Horror-Scope

Jonathan Cainer claims: "Peace on Earth. Will it ever come? Will we want it when it does? Soap operas are going to be a bit dull, aren't they? 'Don't forget to tune in next week, folks, to see everyone co-operating in a spirit of respect.... again' And the sports channel? 'The crowd go crazy as the two top teams stop trying to beat each other and unite against the common enemies of intolerance and aggression.' Who would want to watch that? Harmony is not very exciting. But it is very nice. And there's some coming your way soon."

That would be lovely, and would reduce the need for taint-kickings. I am heartily tired of drama llamas.

Today I have:

  • Called and harassed the mortgage company.
  • Left another message for the new sales manager at the Threads hotel.
  • Turned in direct deposit form.
  • Talked to A-1 about the final bill.

Today I should:

  • Make reservations for the Manhattan Dead Dog Party.
  • Remind people to pay for the Roast, kthx.
  • Take the trash out this evening.
  • Look at AMC movie listings.
  • Drink more tea (maybe it will wake me up!)
  • Try not to care about the idiocy of other people.
  • Try to come up with an idea for a new closet.
  • Whatever else I am forgetting.

Current Mood: [mood icon] moody

(Bitch, Please)

August 11th, 2008

03:05 pm - Astrology du Jour

Miscellaneous sources...

For Monday, August 11 - Follow the example of a friend who's started tightening their financial belt. Even if your current money situation is just fine and dandy, it certainly wouldn't do you any harm to put a lock on your wallet for a while. In addition, your friend will appreciate the gesture. It will help make socializing with them a lot easier, too -- if you're both working with the same budget, it will be easier to find something fun that makes everyone feel comfortable and happy.

Follow the example of a friend who's started tightening their financial belt. Save! Your mood is pretty philosophical today, so even high-drama moments won't affect you as deeply. In fact, you may learn quite a bit from your reactions, so take a closer look and see what happens.

Slow and steady doesn't have to win you the race today because you may not be feeling very competitive. Naturally, you want to do what you already promised because it's important for you to be seen as reliable. But it may not be as crucial to beat someone else at what you do. It's not a contest; just do the best you can and leave it at that.

Um, okay. I have no money to save. In fact, the financial situation is rather suck. I'm hoping enough people pay us for Jeffersonia that I can buy the food for the game. I've bought some, and cooked some of that and frozen it, but that was out of pocket. I don't know what high-drama events are going on, and I'd like to keep it that way. Am I supposed to be feeling competitive with someone? So confused!

Current Location: 20852
Current Mood: [mood icon] curious
Current Music: Coworkers gossiping

(4 bitches. | Bitch, Please)

August 7th, 2008

11:37 am - Brezsny is Batshit, part 6495...

Taurus Horoscope for week of August 7, 2008

In my vision of your ideal future, you would spend the next two weeks both way out on the frontier and yet close to home. Paradoxical? Yes, but that's the magic and mystery of the unusual opportunity you have before you. Don't just take my word for it, Taurus: Meditate on how you could wander free on the outskirts of everything you know even as you feel as stable and secure as a monarch in your castle. Be on a far-flung adventure even as you draw deeply from the mother lode. Enjoy the pleasures of unexplored territory as you draw on the power of the familiar.

Gemini Horoscope for week of August 7, 2008

Although the platypus is technically a furry mammal, a new study of its genetic code reveals that it also has some qualities common to birds and reptiles. It lays eggs and has venom like a snake and a bill like a duck. Sounds like it's the perfect creature to serve as your totem in the coming week, Gemini. Life will bring you unexpected mixtures and improbable hybrids. You won't be able to make sense of your experience if you rely on your usual categories. And I think you'll find that the best way to attract good fortune will be to weave together threads of different colors and textures.

Okay then.

I can has new boyfriend now?

Okay, can I see present lovers more often?

Either would be acceptable, kthx.

Don't get me wrong. I <3 Freewill Astrology. I just don't often understand what he's on about without a LOT of thought. I suppose that's the point, but at the moment I'm tired, cranky, achey, and impatient. I want results, dammit!

(2 bitches. | Bitch, Please)

July 28th, 2008

11:22 am - Freewill Astrology

Taurus Horoscope for week of July 24, 2008

Your teeth aren't white enough. Your laugh sounds weird. Something's amiss with the way you solve problems; I'm not sure what, I just know you've got a disability there. And as for your hair: Could you please change it so it doesn't make you appear so out of touch with reality? OK, now relax. Everything I just said was a bad joke -- it wasn't true at all. I wanted to show you how susceptible you are to believing the lie that you should be different from what you actually are. The fact is, Taurus, this is an excellent time for you to practice feeling a total acceptance of and curious fascination with yourself. Try saying this out loud: "I am perfectly myself."

Actually, I kinda like my new haircut...

Current Location: 21740
Current Mood: [mood icon] cheerful
Current Music: "You Spin Me Round," Dead of Alive

(Bitch, Please)

July 17th, 2008

08:51 am - Freewill Astrology

Taurus Horoscope for week of July 17, 2008

In his book In My Other Life, Paul Theroux imagines another version of himself -- the "story of a life I could have lived had things been different." I think you'd benefit from carrying out a similar exercise, Taurus. Daydream about the inner potentials you've never developed, the inviting destinations you've never actually sought out, the initial interests that never grew into full-fledged relationships -- and then fantasize that you are in fact doing those things. Aside from being fun, this experiment could lead you to actually try out some possibilities that maybe you should have considered long ago. And it might at least free up energy that has been trapped inside feelings of remorse.

Gemini Horoscope for week of July 17, 2008

Kate Knapp Johnson's poem "Meadow" begins like this: "Half the day lost, staring/ at this window. I wanted to know/ just one true thing// about the soul." She goes on to imply that she wasn't successful in her meditation. You, on the other hand, will enjoy a boom time if you go in quest of such insight. By next week, you could discover at least five true things about the soul. Here's one possible truth now: The soul needs nourishing stories in the same way the body needs healthy food.

My thoughts:

  • Not sure it's so much remorse as regret. I mean, remorse implies to me that one has done something... malicious? While I make mistakes, and rather often, they are rarely acts of malice. More often than not they are acts of love in error.

  • Inviting destinations I've never sought out? I'd like to go to Paris. I'd like to go to the Bahamas now that I am old enough to remember (I was there 39 years or so ago, nuff said). I'd like to visit a dear friend in LA, and bake scones for her. I want to go to Austin, and visit my SB, because she is teh awesome. I'd like to go to Houston. I'd like to go to Idaho and research genealogy. I'd like to go to Utah and meet long lost kin. I'd like to go to North Carolina and visit with fabulous friendly in-laws. I'd like to visit Italy, and Denmark, and England, and Ireland, and Quebec, and France... to research genealogy and possibly meet long lost kin.

  • There are exes I'd love to see again, even if we were never to re-ignite old flames. Though that's only one ex, that's like the only valid reason I've even considered attending my high school reunion. Well, that and showing off a young hot paramour. Other maybe interests that I didn't pursue? Can't think of any offhand. I'll have to contemplate that a bit.

  • Inner potentials? There are many. I thought once about being a physician, though I don't think that's my path anymore. I used to be a healer, but it always made me physically ill to do that; kinda working on that right now, not sure how it's going considering how sick I've been lately. Empathy... I cut that off a LONG time ago, but it seems to be coming back and I am SO not sure how I feel about that. Art... never really developed the skills, though I seem to have some natural talent; I really don't want to be another aging wannabe artist. Same with singing. I'd like to get back into working out regularly but who the hell has the time with a commute like mine? Would you believe I was once a budding model? Yeah, me neither, but it's true...

  • I hate it when Brezsny gets metaphysical on me. I'm a more literal person than he is, methinks. Soul... nourishing... stories... WTF? Someone help me out here, kthx.

Current Mood: [mood icon] tired
Current Music: "You don't eat breakfast? The most important meal of the day?" coworker on phone

(5 bitches. | Bitch, Please)

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